Nowadays, it seems like it would just take one thing to make this war against Terrorism really satisfying -- finding Usama bin Laden.
And it's not that we haven't been looking.
Some of us see him everywhere.
For me, it's become almost unhealthy.
The most popular theory is that he's still under a rock in Afghanistan, just hanging on. There's nothing inherently wrong with this idea, but if he's the mastermind that the world makes him out to be, I rather doubt he's still there.
It's time for some "Out of the Box" thinking.
Where is Usama bin Laden?
Perhaps he has taken up body building and now hangs with a different crowd in establishments that cater to individuals with a specific sexual orientation.
Another theory has it that his long-time friend and companion, Dr. Zawahiri, transplanted Usama's head to a robot and then they smuggled themselves out of the country disguised as Steven Spielberg and a 'Star Wars' extra, respectively.
Usama is living with an unsuspecting American family and will launch another master terrorist attack once his minions have had a chance to regroup.
A more audacious theory is that he escaped to space assisted by Chechen rebels who overpowered a Russian shuttle launch somewhere in the desert in Kazakhstan.
He has control of a secret Russian space station and is learning to control it and unleash terrible destruction upon the civilized world.
The more conservative among us believe that he is living in a bunker deep under the earth in Tunesia and will resurface when he sees fit.
Possibly the most believable theory is that he is working as a meteorologist in a coastal town of Florida.
He is under constant observation by federal authorities. He sometimes eats at "Swansons" and seems to prefer the crab legs dinner, drinking a maximum of two "Shirley Temples".
He is apparently trying to recruit from the criminal element of the local Cuban population for future terrorist attacks.
He calls this group "The Weathermen."
My favorite theory, however, is that we can't find him because we already have him.
We're keeping the fact secret so that we can continue the war and take over the world.
Usama is in Camp Guantanamo at this very moment being tortured with American soft-rock music, junk food, and re-runs of "The Days of Our Lives."
He has control of a secret Russian space station and is learning to control it and unleash terrible destruction upon the civilized world.
He is under constant observation by federal authorities. He sometimes eats at "Swansons" and seems to prefer the crab legs dinner, drinking a maximum of two "Shirley Temples".
He is apparently trying to recruit from the criminal element of the local Cuban population for future terrorist attacks.
He calls this group "The Weathermen."
We're keeping the fact secret so that we can continue the war and take over the world.
Usama is in Camp Guantanamo at this very moment being tortured with American soft-rock music, junk food, and re-runs of "The Days of Our Lives."